Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
