He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
