Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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