I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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