You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
