based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This is my gift to your gina
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
