90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
