My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
