she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Drunk is not a location!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
