Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
