I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The best revenge is premature balding
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
