Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
