I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
