hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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