I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
