haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You left your phone here
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