ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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