I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
