Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
where are you?
Hypothermia
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
