Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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