I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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