every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
