I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
