Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I need a hoe opinion
go on
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
