were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
