I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
