My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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