Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
