I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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