I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
