Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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