I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
