At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
