I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
