There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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