I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
