If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
