she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
