so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
