You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
