I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
