Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She bit a glass in half.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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