put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
