Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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