i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
