I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
