flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
