it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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