So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
