my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
