the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
