Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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