Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
